2 The back burner 

Ugh I know I’m months late on this. But Corporate moves like the devil and every week I’m bracing myself for another blow. However, for the first time in a year, I’ve managed to catch and hold myself in place just enough to feel the coming of spring and anticipate the heat of summer.

I’ve lost some of my edge but not my creativity. But after 8 hours of constant blue light exposure, robot noises, and ripping open laptops and seeing their guts and wires, the only thing I want to do is come back to my apartment, light a bunch of candles, and sit in the dark while I wait to do it all again tomorrow. 

I don’t hate what I do, I just hate that I have to do it. Day in and day out. My co worker summed it up perfectly, “this is the best job I’ve ever had and I hate it”.

But I like having just enough money and no roommates… buying one martini and then a margarita and another and “Can you bring one for my friend as well”. A paycheck on Thursday means “out to dinner on Friday”. We eat and drink and laugh on the patio while the sun sets and “Oh Isn’t Life Beautiful!” 

But I can’t sleep at night because all the margaritas are thumping in my chest and the sugar from the dessert is running through my veins and I broke all the promises I made to myself. And “Was I ever REALLY a painter”. And visions of me at the easel creep into my mind while I’m at work, reminding me I’m not a robot. I’ve given myself grace but at what point does that mindset… turn into procrastination… How many times can I throw it on the back burner? If I’m not careful one day I might accidentally turn the knob and stand in horror as everything on the back burner goes up in flames.   

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1 Commit to the Bit

In 2024 I spent the majority of my time adjusting to living alone. It only took me three days to realize that the problem was me all along… Most days my thoughts would fill the room like a dense fog. All my delusions would take their place, and as I ate grapes at my kitchen counter I called each scenario to perform for me. I make them redo scenes and direct them to my liking. I do this all year to cover up my fear of the canvas and my loathe of the brush. A brilliant procrastination, but a failed attempt to fill a void.

It’s 2025 and I’m picking up the paintbrush in hopes that a Caravaggio-level miracle happens on the canvas and a biblical-level miracle happens on Earth. However, the path towards the former is similar to a vine full of grapes, and I must pluck each grape one by one until all tasks are complete. No side quests, no cutting corners, and no moving backward. The path toward the latter is impossible to determine and consists of radical faith and profound love.

Mind you, In both scenarios, I have a hard time committing to the bit…